Alone
by deansbabygirl934
Summary: He misses his dad’s husky laugh that is deep in his chest. Finally chapter is up. *warning* very mature content
1. Alone

This revised thanks to my beta.. yeah I have one know she's great. A big thanks to you kirallie.

Dad never told us what he did those days after cold oaks. Those sad filled days after Uncle Sam died. J.B. still shudders when he thinks back.

The laughter that used to fill this house is gone now. Replaced by such overwhelming grief. He feels like he is suffocating here at Bobby's.

Nothing gets his mind off the pain. His girlfriend dumped him 'cos he was going all 'angst' on her. His freaking dad just died how the hell he was supposed to act.

All Uncle Bobby and Sam do is drink. So does his mom. He sees how she tries to hide the whiskey on her breath. How she tries to hide what she is drinking but he knows what she is doing.

Her lavender eyes that were once bright and full of life are now blank with pain. That scares him more than he would like to admit. He does not see her get angry. He has to wonder why that is.

His thirteenth birthday comes and goes there's no party or presents. He does not care he would rather have his dad anyway. He misses his dad's husky laugh that is deep in his chest.

His contagious smile. His heart breaks for his mom. She cries every night when she thinks no one can hear her. He hears her. He hears her cause Uncle Bobby is too far gone and Uncle Sam no longer cares. Uncle Sam used to care though. Sam was there to catch his mom when she fell. That was weeks ago.

It is so lonely in this house. So close to the outside world yet closed off at the same time. Set apart by the walls of cars, wards and protection symbols. His mom speaks softly to him now.

Just a mere whisper of how she used to. He is the only one she does speak to. When she does it's hoarse with disuse. Her tinkling laugh is gone, it died with his dad. Uncle Sam cannot look at him anymore.

He says to Bobby, when he thinks he cannot hear, "He just looks too much like Dean." His voice is full of pain. He takes the time to look in the mirror one day. He is shocked by the face that is staring back at him.

Moss green eyes reflected the pain his heart felt. Short dirty blonde hair spiked just like his dad's. Freckles scattered across his nose.

The realization hits him like a brick, he is a younger version of his dad. Something comes over him in that moment.

He is just so damn angry he needs to hit and break something. He doesn't even realize he has clenched his fist.

It goes crashing into the mirror shattering it in pieces. Strangely, there was no cry of anguish nor did tears fill his eyes.

He did not feel the blood dripping down his still fisted hand. His mom was the first in the bathroom. It was her small gasp of alarm that alerted him to her.

His mom lays a gentle hand on his shoulder. As if to say _'Its okay son, I'm here.' _she wants to pull him close he can tell, it's in her eyes. Instead she shakes him a little.

She looks at him silently saying _'let me take care of you.' _He's in a fog, walking as if dreaming. He finds himself downstairs on Bobby's old and well worn couch.

His hand doesn't hurt or he's finally broken and can't feel any more. Then he hears his mom speaking to him very quietly. Bobby is there too, speaking in his gruff but gentle voice.

He can't hear what they say. Its ok he doesn't need to hear them. Because right now he doesn't feel so alone anymore. He feels them fixing his hand and he knows he's not alone. Dad may be gone and Uncle Sammy lost somewhere. While that's not okay Bobby and mom are here and that is okay.


	2. Lies And Whispers

Beta kiralli she's the best....thanxto all those that read this..This story deals w/mature content...

J.B.

"_I heard his mom is a drunk." _Someone whispered well that were not really saying anything he didn't already know. His mom was a drunk, not a bad one but still.

_"I heard that man their living with is her boyfriend or something." _Someone whispered back. Now that was funny and kinda gross. Where do people come up with these things

_"I heard his dad killed himself," _Now that was taking things a little too far. _"Well I heard that he ran off with someone." _Another person joined in_._ Were do they get their information.

_"More like ran off a cliff." _They all started to laugh. Okay that's it that was going too freaking far. J.B. turned to face the idiot that would talk about his dad. Hs friend Casey just barely stopped him.

"No J.B. he's not worth it." She spoke quietly as if she was talking to a wild animal. What he must look like to her. He nodded and left with her leaving the idiot's to their _small_ talk.

Later when he was sitting with Casey at lunch, they both heard the whispers that always seemed to follow him. _"Did his mom even know who his father was?" _Some girl said.

_"Nah heard she was some kind of slut when she went to school here." _A boy answered the hell! This was his mom they were talking about. _"She went to school here?" _Another boy asked.

_"Yeah, like back in '96." _The girl stopped to lean in closer to her friends. Like she wasn't going to say it loud enough for almost everyone to hear.

_"Yeah, she had to drop out though, my mom told me she got knocked up by some punk." _The girl finished with a snobby smirk.

"That is enough you jerks leave J.B.'s mom alone! And if you ever think to talk about his dad again I'll kick your ass!" Casey yelled.

J.B. looked at Casey in a new light after that. Her pale face was flush with anger. Her soft brown hair that was in a ponytail had been shaken free by her rant.

She then turned around to him a soft smile playing at her lips. "Come on; let's leave these assholes to their lunch." He just nodded and left with her.

School was bad but the night was worse. Mom still didn't talk, Bobby still drank. Then there was Sam no clue to where he was. Mom had an idea and she wasn't sharing.

All he had left of his dad was his looks and apparently his attitude. With Sam gone the memories were slowly fading. He would never forget the man that had taught him to swear in Latin.

They eat in silence because Bobby has given up trying to get mom to talk. So has he, she only speaks to him when she thinks he's a sleep.

_"Oh baby, I am so sorry," she whispers in the night. "If I could bring him back I would." _He knows she means it because when every one is asleep she prays and he hears her.

_"God please bring him back," she sobs. "Please we can't live without him," another pause. "Please my boy needs his daddy, I need him we all need him." _For their sake mom pretends to have given up hope.

He knows differently. He knows that deep down buried next to her heart were its safe she has hope. To him his life is filled with lies and whispers. To him the pain is slowly killing him.

There is a saying. 'You never no what you got till it's gone.' That has become his life. He always thought he would have his dad, guess that was a lie. He thinks that he may have finally broken.

Casey tries to make him feel better but it doesn't work as well as she wants it to. She fears for him.

Told him as much one day, when it was just them huddled under a tree while the rain pours down around them. _"Please J.B. I am worried about you talk to me." She whispers._

No he could never tell her about the nightmares. Winchester motto 'Keep your mouth shut, and never tell anyone what we do.' _"I'm good Casey, don't worry about me."_ He lies and she knows it. Then one night he can't take it any more. When every one is asleep he runs, as fast and as far away as his legs can take him. It's not far enough.

He knows that he's running away from the lies and whispers. Why should Uncle Sam be the only one to runaway?

Why does he have to be the strong one? These are questions he asks himself at night. When he's cowering in bed from another nightmare.

He hates sleep 'cos when he sleeps he dreams of dad. And there not pleasant, he dreams of dad in hell. He doesn't want to dream anymore.

He wants rest; he wants to be at peace for once. He's not complaining not really. His life has been hard since the day he was born.

With a few bright moments, like Ash. He misses Ash and he wonders if maybe when he's gone Ash will be waiting for him on the other side.

Right now that's all he can think as he walks towards the bridge. Thoughts of mom, dad are pushed aside. He no longer hears Sam and Bobby's voice in his head.

He still hears Casey though, and she's begging with him. Pleading not to do this, how he can hear those thoughts are beyond him at this point. All he wants to do is jump.

He doesn't want to die, he wants peace. This seems to be the only way he'll get it though. Then he hears his phone ring. He looks at the caller id, it's Casey.

He answers it but before he can speak she's pleading with him. _"J.B.," _she pauses to take a breath. _"Bryce, please what ever you think your doing don't." _he stops at that. "How do you know I am doing anything?" She lets out a nervous laugh. _"'Cos I've been there, were you are." _He pretends to not understand what he's talking about.

_"Don't, don't do that please just go home. Please just go home J.B." _He hangs up not wanting to do this anymore. He turns to walk away from the ledge.

Not wanting to look at the black murky water anymore. For the first time he's not alone anymore, because now when he needed someone the most.

Uncle Sam was there. Pulling him into a bone crushing hug. Promising not leave, asking for his forgiveness. Forgiveness that he was all to willing to give.

Some how he didn't fell like this whispered promise was a lie. He was eternally thankful for that. Because he just can't take anymore lies. They were after all what brought him to the edge._ "I am so sorry Bryce. No more lies, no more running away." _Was the last thing he hears before he falls asleep in his Uncle's arms? At peace for the first time in what seems like forever. But the peace wont last it never does in this world. So you take it were you can get.


	3. I'm Sorry

Sam

He ran away from the only family he had left, all because he was stubborn. He felt that they had given up hope when all he wanted was his brother back.

Was that too much to ask? Maybe it was but that didn't stop him from asking. He missed the way he would laugh or make some gross joke.

Or how he could make anyone feel better with his smile. He even missed being called Sammy. He just felt so damn guilty; it was his fault that Dean was dead.

He sold his soul to bring him back. How could he get over that? Knowing the one person that took care of you, when dad couldn't was now gone.

Dean had always been there, he never tried to make him stay when he went to Stanford. He could have and they both knew it. But that was Dean, that wasn't how he operated.

Dean was always self sacrificing.

around him. If he had looked past it, he would have seen what was right in front of his face. He would have seen the girl he called sister falling down around herself.

Would have seen she was grieving just too hard. He would have seen his nephew slowly killing himself. Would have seen he was heading towards a place no thirteen years old should be going.

He couldn't see Bobby drinking himself into oblivion. No, he couldn't or wouldn't let himself see all that. So he did what he thought was best, he left.

Ruby made the pain a little easier to deal with.

Truth be told Sam was so wrapped up in his own grief, he never saw beyond it to what was happening s to go home, he knows what he's doing is wrong, and Dean would be so disappointed. So he drinks to forget, forget the girl that loved Dean with such a passion she stopped speaking.

To forget his nephew who would do anything for them, who was the walking talking image of his father.

To forget the man who was so much like a father, who took care of him when his own dad had been so caught up in the hunt. There's a physical pain when he thinks about them.

He looked around the ramshackle cabin he had been staying in. And he hated himself at that moment.

So he looked up at Ruby when she came in. "I'm going home." He told her.

Anger flashed in her chocolate eyes and she flipped her brown hair over her shoulder.

"We still have work to do Sam!" She snapped. That was all he needed to hear.

She didn't give a crap about anything but their _work. _He got up and grabbed his duffle.

She stopped him with a hand on his arm. "Look I'm sorry Sammy." "No you look Ruby, my family needs me, and I am going home now." And with that he left.

It wouldn't take long to get to Bobby's house. He would have to cross a bridge to get there. While driving across it something caught his eye.

There, standing way to close to the edge, was his nephew. Oh god what had they done to this boy? He turned off the engine a little ways away from him.

He didn't want to startle the boy. When he was close he heard him talking on the phone well more like listening. When J.B. hung up the phone is when allowed himself to speak.

"Bryce please don't." He said barely above a whisper. J.B. turned to him and he pulled him into a hug.

"I'm sorry, 'm so sorry you shouldn't have to go through this by yourself." He knew that was what was going on. They had left him. Dean, Ryce, Bobby and him had left J.B. to grieve on his own.

They sat on the ground rocking back and forth. Both crying, both finally grieving together, for the man that had meant so much to them. "Come on J.B. lets go home." Home is where they should be.

Now it was time to get some much needed peace.


	4. We Need To Move On

Ryce can't help it she just wants to die. She wants to go to Dean's grave and never leave. She doesn't care any more.

But there is someone keeping her alive. Her son, her boy. Somehow he makes the blood pump through her body.

He knows how she feels, how someone so young can know that was beyond her. Oh somewhere in that part of her brain that's still rational; she knows he is slowly killing himself for them.

And that's when she wakes up a little. It worries her that he has not cried. But the so called adults are too shattered to really take care of the little broken boy in their care. And that is just such a shame because he deserves so much better than this.

But there is a lullaby playing in her head that won't go away. She has become best friends with the bottom of a bottle.

It calls to her constantly. So she drinks, not to make the pain go away or to forget. No she drinks to remember.

The dark amber liquid she swirls around in the glass, the burn reminds her of his kisses, of his touch. Then that stupid part of her brain that won't stop nagging at her speaks again. _'Ryce please stop what about J.B.?' _and you know what, it sounds a lot like Dean.

Oh god Dean, he's dead gone forever. When it's completely dark she thinks she can hear him screaming.

When she is alone in her bed she can almost feel him next to her, touching her caressing her, making love to her.

She can almost feel his lips on hers. Every night she whispers how much she loves him. She could never say it when he was alive.

When she wakes in the morning she's wishing for the night to come back. Because in the night, before the screams of torture, it's just them.

Sam is no help, he doesn't realize that she would do anything to get him back. She tried the crossroad demon herself.

Well that didn't turn out very knows what she is doing is wrong, grieving this hard for some one.

How do you tell your heart to shut up and move on? For some reason you can't. She is afraid that if she moves on that she will be happy without him.

While she wants to be happy for their son, she just can't handle happy without Dean. Not yet, and maybe not ever. The man that she loved with all her heart was dead.

Her eyes are raw from crying all the time, her lips chapped and broken from biting them. He would be mad at her for that. But it was better than screaming his name all day.

She did one day, the pain had become to much to hold in. Sam had yelled at her later for that. She only stopped when Bobby yelled that J.B. was in the room.

Her son looked at her then completely shaken, cowering on the steps. She had done that to him, she had done that to her baby. She stopped speaking after that day.

Not like she really spoke since the day he died. But the silence was worse after that.

Because it was that day when she began to realize what a monster she was becoming. She was slowly making J.B. crumble in on himself.

It was then she knew he had not cried for his dad. Her son had not even cried not once.

She knew this because before sleep could call her name she would sit outside his room and watch him sleep.

If you could call it that. He would toss and turn twisting himself in his sheets. Crying out for his dad. How could they go on? How could she be able to move on without _him_?

She knew she had to when Sam walked in the door one night with her baby. He looked so broken and shattered.

She knew what she had to do. They may never be that happy family again. But they had to do something more for her child.

He deserved more than he was getting at the moment. As he lay there on Bobby's old worn out couch she spoke to the two men.

"We need to do something, this isn't right." She stopped to take in a shaky breath. "He can't keep going on like this. We have to snap out of it." Another pause. "Dean would hate us for grieving so hard." Sam said, "This is not the life he wanted for his boy." "We need peace, and we won't get it this way," Bobby said, tears glistening in his eyes.

They made their choice. And they chose Bryce over the pain. It would take a while but they would get somewhere better than where they are now. They had too.


	5. To Be Fine Again One Day

this is the last chapter... sorry took so long but i have been debating whether or not to put up the Bobby chapter..i have since decided not to..but if you want to see it i may put it up as a one shot..okay any who i hope you enjoy it Dean is finally back!

* * *

Dean

Sam thinks that he's fine. He believes the lies that his big brother feeds him. Ryce and Bobby are doubtful.

She catches him drinking, trying to drown out the pain.

If he really wants to be truthful, he doesn't hide it, not from her. They have been through too much him and her.

She waited for him, prayed that he would come back. She thinks that she lost hope at some point. He told her if that were true.

She would have been shocked to see him walk through that door. She wasn't not in the least. He has lost hope that it will all be fine again.

Even she can't keep the dreams at bay for long. Hell just would not leave him alone. Night after night, he would dream of it.

Waking to her soft touch on his forehead murmuring sweet nothings. He never understood how she knew he would come back. Her words play back to him when he tries to pretend. Pretend that he's fine.

_"Don't lie to me Dean," She speaks quietly. "You don't come back from all that with nothing."_ He tries to lie to fake his way through it.

Sweet Rycelynn just won't let him. He over heard her and Bobby talking one day.

"_What do ya think?" asked Bobby, "I think he's lying." She answered. _

_"Why would he do that?" He asked. "Oh Bobby, Why do you think?" She answered sadly._

Deep down he knows that he's hurting them. His son begs him to talk to someone, tell someone what's going on with boy who turned into a man while he was gone.

*******************flashback*********************

"_Dad come on don't think I don't see you drinking!" J.B. was yelling but he couldn't bring himself to care._

_ "Don't do this to me not you too!" Well that got his attention. "What are you talking about son?" He said his words slurring slightly. His boy looked like he could cry._

_ "Look I'm not going to get into this with you." He stopped to breathe. "Drink yourself into a stupor for all I care!" he said before storming out of the house._

******************Flashback**********************

Dean would talk to her, but he doesn't want to bring her into his personal hell. He's walking around pretty damn aimlessly right now.

No real direction, but somehow he finds himself in front of the kitchen. Sam and Ryce are in there talking.

It's just the three of them in the house. J.B. and bobby went into town, just to get away. He knows he shouldn't but he finds himself eavesdropping.

Sam

He puts the bottle of whiskey between them. He watches her as she twirls the amber liquor in the glass.

He had questions he wanted to ask. He needed to be the protective brother now. "Do you love him still? He asked.

"Sam what kind of idiotic question was that?" He just shrugged as if to say 'just answer the question.'

He heard her sigh. "Well let's just say that I am his," She paused to smile a little. "I guess that has always been the case."

"Would you let him go if you had to?" He asked, "If it meant that he could be okay again?" At his nod,

she said, "Yeah Sammy I would." She paused to take a drink "I would do anything for him Sam. My heart would break, but for him I would walk on nails." He saw that he was pushing it, if the shine of tears said anything.

He just had to know one more thing. Would you wait for him?"

Dean

He heard only one word escape her mouth. It was all he needed to hear.

"Forever." they were broken in so many ways. He felt like he was dying could feel the flames of hell licking at his skin.

But he was breaking more without _her_.

Later..

Ryce

She was in her room listing to music. She had one song on repeat.

Broken by seether it fit her mood. For months, she was lost without _him_.

All she wants is too take his pain away. She would gladly take it on, she never told him in words how she felt about him.

That was then, maybe she need to tell him. Maybe she and J.B. should just leave. Go see Tracy, or Ellen and Jo.

She would if he asked. "Did you mean it?" She was startled to find him standing there. So he had heard her and Sam talking.

Dean

She was thinking about leaving. He couldn't let her. When she didn't answer, he asked again.

"Did you mean it?" One nod was all it took they were in each other's arms.

One word repeated between them "Forever." He had loved her forever. She had loved him just as long.

The promise of forever whispered in the room. When he joined his body with hers, he could hear her whisper 'I love you.' it was the first time she said the words aloud.

To him love always equaled loss. This time it held a promise of forever. Of being fine again one day. Of not being so broken.

When she moaned his name, his world shattered into a million pieces of light. He fell asleep cradled in her arms and thighs. She was softly stroking his back.

Murmuring her love for him. This is what he wanted this is what he craved. Forever is what he finally had.


End file.
